I remember this day, like it was yesterday. Most of my nightmares are about her. I miss her, losing granny was the most painful thing I went trough in my life. It's like losing piece of me. She was not even my mother, I can't even think off what I am going to do when my mommy passes away, I'll go crazy probably, I'll need therapy and lot of time to put myself trough it. Definitely more than few pills of xanax and vodka. Self therapy at its finest.
I remember going earlier from the school to get my first tattoo, initials of a man whose family and him alone helped me to get trough a lot last two years, unfortunetely, I hapenned to be tattoed on the worst day possible. Typically I share news with my granny, so of course I went to see her with my dogs, but no one opened. Good, she's at friend's, I supposed. I wish she was.The thought of her laying just few meters dead behind the doors still haunts me.
I kind of knew, something was off. And everything clicked together, when her phone turned off, that wasn't usual for my granny. But me and my mom decided to go there after her work shift is finished. We couldn't get to her and we started panicking, calling the fire department instead of an ambulance. A fire truck, police car and ambulance car came in few minutes and it was frightening.
Back to afternoon, my neighbour happened to die a week ago and they just found the body. Of course you can imagine the smell the police officers, fire men, docs on place. Little did I know.
Later I found out the same fire men were at my house earlier, only living trough another tragedy.
My granny died.
I remember the tears, the chaos inside of me. The self blame, that I canceled, that I'd go to visit her the day after. I still believe it was all my fault. But what haunts me, I was the last who saw her alive, smiling. We knew she had condition troubles, her breathing was heavy, but she wouldn't go back to hospital again.
I remember how I went to the apartment before they took her out. I still couldn't believe I'll never get advice from her, talk to her, laugh with her. Damn I even cry whilst writing this.
I remember how I had to lead my mom back home and the terrible days afterwards.
It still seems unreal and I wasn't the same after this day.
I changed.
I remember going earlier from the school to get my first tattoo, initials of a man whose family and him alone helped me to get trough a lot last two years, unfortunetely, I hapenned to be tattoed on the worst day possible. Typically I share news with my granny, so of course I went to see her with my dogs, but no one opened. Good, she's at friend's, I supposed. I wish she was.The thought of her laying just few meters dead behind the doors still haunts me.
I kind of knew, something was off. And everything clicked together, when her phone turned off, that wasn't usual for my granny. But me and my mom decided to go there after her work shift is finished. We couldn't get to her and we started panicking, calling the fire department instead of an ambulance. A fire truck, police car and ambulance car came in few minutes and it was frightening.
Back to afternoon, my neighbour happened to die a week ago and they just found the body. Of course you can imagine the smell the police officers, fire men, docs on place. Little did I know.
Later I found out the same fire men were at my house earlier, only living trough another tragedy.
My granny died.
I remember the tears, the chaos inside of me. The self blame, that I canceled, that I'd go to visit her the day after. I still believe it was all my fault. But what haunts me, I was the last who saw her alive, smiling. We knew she had condition troubles, her breathing was heavy, but she wouldn't go back to hospital again.
I remember how I went to the apartment before they took her out. I still couldn't believe I'll never get advice from her, talk to her, laugh with her. Damn I even cry whilst writing this.
I remember how I had to lead my mom back home and the terrible days afterwards.
It still seems unreal and I wasn't the same after this day.
I changed.